Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
