We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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