You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
