I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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