so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
