We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
