I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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