A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
