woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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