my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
