hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
