if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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