Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
