Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
