well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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