i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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