I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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