By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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