I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
