Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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