i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
