I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i wish my penis had a tongue
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
