Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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