I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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