why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
