I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
