im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
