If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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