Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
