i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
