Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
