I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
