thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
