We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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