Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
