I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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