I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
