I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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