All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
