8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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