I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
