i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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