I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
