it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
