You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
whose parrot is this?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
