i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How does one acquire holy water?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
