We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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