Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
