I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
