I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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